Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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