I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
