Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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