i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
