Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
a search helicopter?!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
