Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize