when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
