She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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