im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
