tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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