So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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