She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
