I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
