He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
