honey bunches of taint.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
