Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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