So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
