Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
