I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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