Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
do herpes really smell.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
