I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
