I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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