one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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