If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
