Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

You would...

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?

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(408): View more from California

Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.

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