I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
