she was so not down for the gang bang
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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