i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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