Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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