it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
