I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
