Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
