STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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