Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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