I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
