I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
