i may or may not be watching the land before time
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
