stop calling my apartment porn island.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
