Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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