Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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