watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize