I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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