Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
