Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
