Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
