I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
