please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
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I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
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