Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito