Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Terrible idea I love it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
