You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
