i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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