I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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