I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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