he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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