I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
