Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
