"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
